Find Hope

Spent years pondering my sexual identity.

I started to make emotional ties with a lot of these girls that were just unhealthy.


When I was five, I remember my neighbor. We were really close and another little girl. We would do a lot together. We’d have sleepovers. Our parents would put us in the bath together. I just remember having a longing of wanting to be close to her. I had an older brother and a younger brother. We played with G.I. Joe's and Ninja Turtles. We didn’t really play the girly things. My mom would put me in dresses and I would just scream. I didn’t want to wear the girly things. I wanted to wear the shorts and T-shirts like the boys. It wasn’t until, I would say, I was a teenager in High School that I really started to understand; Okay, I’m not having any attraction toward these males. I had a big group of girlfriends. So, I always had all of my girlfriends around me. I started to make emotional ties with a lot of these girls that were just unhealthy. As I went to college, I got a full scholarship for basketball to a smaller school in Kentucky. I started hanging out with my teammates and there was a girl that lived with them. I knew right away that I had a strong pull toward her. We ended up starting to date and we were together for five years. We lived together in Kentucky and then we also lived together in Georgia. We did everything couples do. We had a future planned. I even gave her a ring. I felt very hypocritical, so I stopped going to church. But three years in, she and I went to a church in Lexington, Kentucky. For the first time I went in and couldn’t believe there were guitars and drums and music. People were worshiping. They were alive and excited and heard the message of the gospel. Right there and then in that church I had a decision to make. Would I listen and lay down this relationship and serve Christ or would I continue to walk with my back turned to the Lord. I wasn’t ready at that time to lay it down, so it was another two years of just wrestling this idea of letting go and serving God with everything I had. We were looking for a way out really. We were believing the Lord for a way out. She actually got into P.A. school in Kentucky when she was living in Georgia. We knew we needed to sever the relationship so she moved back to Kentucky and I stayed in Georgia. So I do know people who believe that they are just going to be celibate their whole lives and still have these attractions. But I believe based on the word of God that I can be totally free from those thoughts and that someday, if God has for that, that I will have a husband and children. If that’s His will for my life. But I’m in a place where we all get before we’re in that relationship that God has where we have to just be solely full of Christ and I’m just in a place where I just love Jesus. So it doesn’t seem like this force that I have to be celibate. That’s not how I feel. My happiness is not based upon a relationship with another person. It’s based upon my relationship and being whole in Jesus Christ.

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Mary Jenna - Spent years pondering my sexual identity.

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