Find Hope

Why can't my marriage be like the movies?

"I actually told him that. “I’m not in love with you anymore."

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I just remember praying all the time; “God please help me. Help my marriage. Change my husband.” I thought there was only something wrong with him and that I didn’t need to change. I was the one that went to church every Sunday and taught the kids biblical principles. So I didn’t really see where I needed to change. I just kept thinking about him and everything he did wrong. People would come up to me and I probably could have gave them two pages worth of things that was wrong with him. But everything I did seemed right in my eyes. I was judgmental towards him. I became very cold. I remember times when I would sit in my bedroom and watch a movie and think; “Oh I want that type of relationship. I want to feel that in love feeling again. I could never have that with my husband. I’m just not in love with him.” I actually told him that. “I’m not in love with you anymore.” It hurt him really bad. I just said; “I don’t think we can ever get back to where we used to be when we first met.” We went to a family life conference called Weekend to Remember. I remember at that conference they said this weekend, focus on yourself. Think about you and what you’ve done wrong in your marriage and how you can be a better spouse. That got me really thinking. A lot of moms don’t realize but we can even get so caught up in our kids that we forget about our spouse. That’s something that I was very guilty of. I was at pageants almost every weekend or football games or basketball. I was at birthday parties all of the time. Even ministry, my house was a wreck but I was involved in all of these ministries. I didn’t know how to say no to a church. I thought I have to do this and I have to do this. Although God comes first, ministry doesn’t come before your spouse. They have to be on board with it. So, I was spending all of my time with the kids, in ministry and with friends. My husband was asking me; “Let’s go do something. Let’s go on vacation, just me and you or let’s go on a date night.” I just wouldn’t make time for him. At that conference I realized I had been really selfish. Our marriage was so bad that when we got to the hotel room and there were two beds. I was like; “Oh, I’m going to sleep on this bed and he can sleep on that bed.” And by the end of the night, of course we were in the same bed because we had learned so much and we were starting to see things from a different perspective. But at that time, he had already still had his mind set, that he was giving up on us. Even though he changed a little at the conference, it wasn’t enough for him to want to stay in the marriage.

There were different times that we were both fighting for our marriage and the other person had given up. Two weeks before Christmas my husband told me, he said; “I want a separation.” I was shocked because during that time I actually was trying a little harder. I was trying to be more respectful. I was trying to think about him more. I called him more. I was trying to put his needs before mine. I didn’t change completely but I was making a few changes. I was making some progress in becoming a better wife. But what I didn’t know was that my husband had already moved on. He already had his mind set on leaving me and being with another woman that he had met online (he met on Facebook). He had started an affair. I didn’t know that at the time. But he had told me that he wanted a separation. So I went out and started looking for an apartment to move into. I told my oldest son, I said; “Me and your dad are splitting up. I don’t know that we will get back together but I hope that we will.” I remember getting the phone call and they said; “You got the apartment that you picked out, we want you to come sign the lease.” And, I thought I would be excited, but instead I was so nervous. I was so anxious. I went to my car (I was at work) and I just started crying out to God and I was like; “God, I know that divorce cannot be what you want for me, what you want for my life. This just can’t be your plan. God please help me! Guide me. Tell me what to do.” As I was praying, God just spoke to my heart and He said; “Ask your husband one more time if he really wants a separation.” So I did. I sent my husband a message and I said; “Do you really want a separation? Once I sign this lease to this apartment, I’m gone for one year and there’s no turning back.” He messaged me back and he said; “No, that’s not what I want. Let’s talk.” We talked that day and that’s the day that he confessed that he had been having an affair and he had his mind set on us splitting up for good. I told him, I said; “I have really been trying and I think that we can make this work. Do you want to give us one more shot?” He agreed to it that night. We talked for a long time that night and decided to stay together. From that day forward I told God. I said; “God, I need you to change me. I don’t care what he’s doing wrong. I know he’s made mistakes. I have made mistakes. I want to just focus on me.” So that’s what I did. I said; “God change me. Whatever it takes, make me the wife that you called me to be. And I want you to change my heart. Soften my heart and show me where I have messed up. I want to be a better wife.” After I prayed, I began to study. I started looking up articles online. I started reading books. I started studying God’s word and just praying like never before. God started showing me where I had messed up and how I had been disrespectful. How I had not loved my husband the way that I should have. God just completely transformed me. My husband, he started seeing it and started believing that; “Hey, she really wants to make this marriage work”. So, he was then motivated to become a better man and a better husband. So we both started changing. We both started being transformed. It just kept getting better everyday. Our marriage, our intimacy, our love for one another, our respect for one another, everything started getting better. So not only did God transform us and our marriage, but he gave us a ministry out of what caused us misery. Now we want to help others. We want to teach them biblical principles that will help their marriage succeed so that they can be happy and so that their marriage can reflect Christ and how he loves the church. And so that’s just what God’s done for us.

Rachel - Why can't my marriage be like the movies?

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