My identity was in partying. It just became who I was. That’s how people knew me. The wilder I could get, the better. Anything went. I had no respect for myself. I was the girl on top of the bar with money being put on me, completely not remembering any of it the next morning. To be honest, I’ve done it all. Probably everything you name, I’ve done it.
People called my mom and told her, “We were going to take Becky to the hospital last night because she was shaking so bad, and so sick.” I honestly don’t know how I wasn’t the abducted girl or the raped girl, or just death, not living through it. Through the bar scene, I met a guy and was married, committed adultery, and was divorced within a year. Then I met my precious husband, who I am with now. We’ve been together for seven years. We have two wonderful children. Within the first couple of years, we were both very lost. We just continued to party. Our marriage was a lot of partying, drugs, and alcohol.
The only time I was clean was during the whole pregnancy. After our daughter was born I did good for a while, and then date night would come up. All that my husband and I knew to do at that point in our lives was to drink or party. We were both still so lost. Date night was when I “Fail” again. It just got to the point where I was just so unhappy with myself. When she was about one and a half I was very unhappy. It was almost like a depressed state. They tried to give me depression medicine and everything, the doctor did. I was just not happy with who I was.
I always said I would not be that mom who drank; or that mom who seemed like a partier. From day one I wanted to be the best mom I could ever be. I wanted to be different. I wanted to change. I was tired. Just tired, is the word I would use; just very tired of being that person who kept failing.
It was January 8, 2011, when I was cleaning our daughter’s bedroom. I went in there to dust, and the Lord knocked me to my knees on her bedroom floor where I laid it all out to Jesus right there on her bedroom floor. I cried out to Abba Father, for him to save me and to change me. I was so tired of every time that I tried to change, which I tried to change a lot, I always failed. I always failed. That day when I gave my life fully to Jesus is the day he rocked my world. Ever since then it’s been one extreme to the other. I always link back to Apostle Paul in the bible because I remind myself of him. I also went from being one extreme to the absolute opposite.