I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I was married for sixteen years. I was miserable most of the time because I had been sealed in the temple and families are forever as far as a Mormon is concerned. I didn’t want to hurt my family, husband or kids. I went into this deep depression. Then I met someone who was someone I worked with. My husband and I both worked with him. He was like the boss to us. I fell in love with him and had an affair. It’s something that I deeply regret.
I grew up in the church. I got married at eighteen. I was married in the temple. I was so excited to go to the temple because I had been told my whole life what an awesome experience it would be like how your prayers are answered in the temple and how you have all these spiritual experiences. It was just so strange. They were doing all of these strange rituals. There was clothing that you had to wear and secret handshakes. All of this stuff scared me to death. I was terrified. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I never went back to the temple after that. I think I had a lot of guilt most of my life because of that. As a Morman, being in the temple and doing temple work is what helps earn your way to salvation. My experience in the temple was horrible and I never wanted to go back.
I went through a period of depression. The doctors put me on all kinds of medication like anti-depressants and Xanax to help me sleep. A lot of times I would take my kids to church by myself. I wanted to feel God in my life and I didn’t. I didn’t feel connected to my husband. I thought he was the priesthood holder. He should be the head of the family. He didn’t seem to care much about the church. I think that caused a lot of problems in our marriage.
I am married to the man that I had the affair with. We have repented. It was a huge mistake during that time. It’s something that we deeply regret, how we started off. We are living with the consequences even still today of the affair. As bad as it has been, as much pain as it has caused everyone involved, I’m thankful I met him because if not, I might still be trapped in Mormonism.
It sounds crazy but I fell in love with him because I felt the spirit of God. He was the Pastor but he was our power team leader. We were in a network marketing company. He would give the presentations. He would talk about God. He’s been in marketplace ministry. I could just feel the presence of God. He was so anointed as he spoke. I had never been around Christians really. I was surrounded by Mormon family and friends. He actually prayed for me and it was the first Christian prayer that I had heard. I could tell that he had a relationship with God. He knew Him. It was something that was foreign to me. When Mormons pray they use “the”, “thou” and “thy”. It’s so formal. He was talking like Jesus was in the room and He was his friend.
During the time of the affair, I was miserable. I felt like a complete failure. That was one of the lowest times in my life. I learned during that time that I couldn’t depend on myself. I couldn’t depend on my family. I couldn’t depend on the man that I loved. The only person there for me was God. I think that God allows us at times to make mistakes and to hit rock bottom so that we will look to him. Once I left the Mormon church I started reading God’s word, listening to Christian music, and going to Christian churches I started feeling God’s presence in my life. I developed a personal relationship. I fell in love with Jesus. I had never felt close to Him. Once I learned about His love for me and that it’s not all about what I can do for Him but it’s about what He has already done for me, I just started feeling close to Him. I started noticing that He would answer my prayers. My whole life began to change. I became a new creation in Jesus. It wasn’t until I came out of Mormonism I got rid of all of the medication and all of the depression. All of that stress that I had felt just melted away. In Utah, they have one of the highest suicide rates. There are a lot of Mormons in Utah. They have the highest rate of anti-depressant users. It’s because in the Mormon culture you are just expected to be perfect. There is no room for sin. There’s no room for mistakes. You are just exhausted. You do it out of more of an obligation than out of love and out of just wanting to please God.