I physically developed very quickly as a female. From the age of thirteen to sixteen a neighbor that my family hung around with abused me. It started out with touching but went to full sexual contact. He would perform sexual acts on me against my will. I don’t want to go into too much description on that. He forced me to do certain things that I did not want to do.
One day he brought a friend with him to also have sex with me. I then realized he didn’t love me. He just thought he could use me and get sex from me. That was the most humiliating thing I had ever experienced. The rejection was horrible.
I didn’t tell anybody that I wanted to kill myself, but I thought about it a lot when I was a teenager, especially after that relationship ended like it did. I felt total rejection, total humiliation. He just thought I was somebody he could get something from. I realized he didn’t love me. I dated a few guys in high school, but anytime they got close I would push them away. If they wanted to know who Kim really was on the inside, I didn’t want them to know because I didn’t like Kim either. Any relationships I had, even with other females, if they got too close, I would do something to sabotage the relationship and push them away.
My first husband and I met in December 1990. Both of us had come from dysfunctional families. He really helped me a lot because the last time I had been with anyone was when I had been abused as a teenager. I was scared. It terrified me to be around guys because I thought the were after only one thing. He showed me that wasn’t why he was in a relationship with me.
The first time we tried to be intimate I had a panic attack. I started crying and shaking and sobbing. Instead of pushing me he sat down on the couch, pulled me into his lap, and just let me cry. I’d never had anybody do that for me, not even my parents. Just before our fourteenth anniversary, he died in his sleep. He had undergone outpatient gall bladder surgery. My world almost came to an end.
After his death, while working one weekend [God] asked me when I was going to give Him my whole heart. He said, “You gave your first husband your love and your whole heart. When are you going to give it to me?” That nearly crushed me because I didn’t know I hadn’t given him my whole heart. He wasn’t mean about it. I don’t believe God is a vengeful God. It was a gentle, quiet, “I’m here.”
God had been pursuing me all those years, and it took the death of my first husband for me to realize that I hadn’t truly given my heart to the Lord. Now I teach other people how to deal with their grief process. The Lord placed a call on my life to do this, so to me, that means He planned this even before the foundation of the world if I’m believing what my Bible says.