My Mom got into a relationship with a guy. She ended up marrying him. He was very abusive to me. He physically abused me. He mentally abused me and my brother. I watched horrible things happen to my mom through this relationship that continued for six years.
I carried myself in such a way that I was a target for bullying. I was not self-confident. I was so insecure about myself. I was wearing thrift store clothes and hand me down clothes while other people had like the cool brands and stuff. I started cutting and looking for relationships at a very, very young age. I was cyberbullied to the point where I tried to commit suicide. All the while I was going to church and coming to our youth group and I was putting on a face. Everyone thought I was okay. Everyone thought that I was Anna the bubbly little seventh grader who had everything together. She had the perfect family and the perfect life but at school, I was eating lunch in the bathroom. I was getting bad notes in my locker and stuff like that.
Then the summer of my seventh-grade year. I went to a conference for our youth group. It was called “Collide”. I don’t know what it was but something clicked that told me that I was pure-minded. I had a pure heart. I didn’t need anything that people were giving me. I didn’t need anything from my childhood. I didn’t need to carry it with me. I had this new relationship with God.
In eighth grade, I started this prayer group that was awesome. A little boy got healed of cancer when I laid hands on him. My life was just, I felt like everything was clicking. Everything was good. I can’t explain it. It was like God had said; “Do you see what I am talking about?” It was like, I can’t explain it. It was at that moment that I knew that there was Gods love and there was Gods security. And there was all of Gods confidence like placed in that one action.
Then freshmen year, I get into high school and I’m getting out of that awkward stage. The bullying had kind of stopped but with that, I also started kind of getting out of the word with God. I followed the wrong crowd and started looking for those guys again. I started looking for boys and I just wanted to be a cool kid. So I got in a relationship with this guy that I thought hung the moon. I realized that I was starting to look for what my stepdad had again. This guy beat me and he abused me. He would yell at me and I would come home with marks on my face that I would have to hide from my dad. It eventually got caught on camera and he was arrested and stuff. But still, I loved him. I just thought that’s what you needed to have a relationship. But once again the Lord just kept bringing me back and bringing me back and bringing me back to a place of you know, you don’t need that, you don’t need those guys. You don’t need to lose yourself in that. You don’t deserve the bullying. You need to be stronger and self-confident. I didn’t have a boyfriend for a while. I didn’t need one. I just felt like I needed to be me for a while. I needed to get away. Then again my dad didn’t want me to date, anyone, either. I was good with Anna. Now I have a boyfriend but he is on the young leaders' team. He is pretty great. My goal now is to completely stay wanting the Lord. Completely stay, have my mind focused on him. Keep my fire inside of me kindled. I’m more confident in myself because of what God has installed on the inside of me.