Find Hope

After three generations of sexual abuse, found acceptance from a Christian community.

I was addicted to pornography, I was addicted to masturbation. I was addicted to sex. I was also a heterosexual male

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When I was eight years old, I lived in Lafayette, LA. My brother, my oldest brother molested me. Actually, twice that day and then every other day after that until he moved out. It became so much that it was almost like I was his boyfriend, so to speak. Later on I found out that he was also abusing my sister as well. That turned into him getting us to do the same with each other, and with him as well, all together. We found out later on that my father, his brother (my uncle) and my grandfather, (my dads father) had all abused my brother. It was just this wicked generational curse that was handed down to us. Being introduced to sex at such an early age, with a man. Obviously it puts my sexual tendency toward being with males, with men. I remember thinking when my brother moved out, you know, what am I going to do now? At this point, this is who I was. My identity was wrapped up in that. Um, this abuse took place so frequently and for such a long period of time. Up into the years of my young adulthood, when he wouldn’t come to me for that, I thought something was wrong. I thought I did something wrong. As twisted as that sounds, it was my reality. Things kind of escalated with that sexual addiction. I was addicted to pornography, I was addicted to masturbation. I was addicted to sex. I was also a heterosexual male. Very confused, but I enjoyed being with women also. I felt like that is who I really was. That’s obviously because that’s the way God created us to be attracted to the opposite sex. So there was just a war and a battle going on inside of me. Because of the abuse that I had suffered at the hand of my brother. Obviously when he moved out. That didn’t stop. The urge in me didn’t stop. So, I began to look for it in other places. Public restrooms, public parks, malls, rest areas. I was the guy that everybody thought could get any woman he wanted. No one would ever have thought that I had the secret that I had lived for about twenty six years. Well I met my daughter’s mother and we got married. Needless to say, all of that was still there. It wound up stealing my marriage. Instead of dealing with it, I allowed it. Even being in, I had given my life to Christ, I had dealt with the drug addiction, I had dealt with the alcohol addiction. For a while the Lord had taken all of the addiction away. Everything. Drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, masturbation, everything. It was all gone. But in church, I couldn’t talk about the homosexuality, or the masturbation, or the pornography. I felt really alienated on that part. I had no one to talk to about it. That part of my life stayed hidden. It stayed in the closet, so to speak. Needless to say, I fell back into it. I back slid. I’m a part of a Christian community that is called Tres Diaz. One of the things that they teach you, that you learn there is how to be transparent and how to speak out and how to get these things out of the closet, so to speak. To get them out of the darkness so that the enemy no longer has any strongholds on you. The stronghold is “if anybody knew, if anybody knew who I really was”. But being involved in that community, I was able to come out in a safe place, in a safe environment. I was accepted for who I was. I was welcomed into the brotherhood. It really began a new chapter in my life. I have found myself for a few years now, walking in clarity of who I am in Jesus Christ. Because who I am is who He is in me. I never knew that there was this hope. This hope in Jesus Christ. This hope that would make all things new. That would cleanse me of all my sins. A hope that I could be right with the creator of this universe. It’s a work in progress. I am just grateful to be able to give back and to help others that are going through what I went through. Because of this darkness and this filth that was handed to me by my brother. That was handed to him by our father and grandfather and uncle. I just praise God that I walk in freedom. I walk in just His grace and His light.

Scott L - After three generations of sexual abuse, found acceptance from a Christian community.

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