You know, I was embarrassed of myself. You know how I treated my late wife and how I did things, regrets. I still wanted to drink. I still wanted to talk to other ladies. I still wanted to watch porn. I thought that would go away when we got married. It didn’t. That’s about the time that I cheated on her for the first time. I confessed everything to her. We went to church one Sunday and after we got out of church going home I confessed everything to her. I told her. I told her everything that I did. She was furious. She got the kids and left. I thought it was over. Down deep to be honest with you I was more worried about what I was losing instead of me really hurting her at that point because I had not actually given everything to God yet. I still thought of myself before I thought of anybody else.
We talked about it. We sat down one night and I said; “We are either going to fix this together or we are just going to go separate ways. We decided to start finding a church. The whole time the Lord was just working on both of us. He started opening my heart and her heart. The whole time I still hadn’t given it all to Him.
I was walking out the door going home and my wife called me. She said; “I’m not feeling good today.” I said; “Okay. Come on home and we will spend the day together.” I heard her holler my name about twelve o’clock. I was working third so I jumped up. I walked into the living room where she was and she said; “My chest is burning. My chest is burning.” I said; “Okay.” I didn’t know what was going on. She was thirty-seven years old. She was too young to be having….I thought it was heartburn or something. I didn’t know what she had eaten. She went to the bathroom and collapsed. She stopped breathing. I called 911 and started CPR. She died of an unknown liver illness. It’s known now. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what was going on. I loved her to death but my past history didn’t say it. I remember kneeling down and saying; “God, I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do.” There was the end of me. Everyone talks about the “end of me” point. That was the end of me point. I had to give it all to Him.
I was embarrassed of myself. How I treated my late wife and how I did things, regrets. It was like I was the only one going through that.
Getting into Celebrate Recovery, getting in there with those guys, the Lord showed me that there are other people that are going through some of the same stuff. There were some of the same pains and anger or same regrets that I did. When I started opening up it was kind of a relief. It gave me a freedom. The Lord has forgiven me for my sins. He has shown me that there is hope. He opened the door for that for me through it.