He brought this wonderful man into my life that was just wonderful. He was kind and generous. He got sick. We went to the hospital and he had cancer.
My parents got divorced when I was young. My stepdad was an alcoholic who would pass out regularly. At about sixteen, my life dramatically shifted. This boyfriend of mine bought a house. I thought you know what, I’m just going to go live with him. So, I went and lived with him. I thought it was a white picket fence, everything was going to be perfect and it wasn’t. We were doing the right things. We were going to church. We were serving the Lord. We were in ministries. I basically after about seven or eight years, sabotaged it to the point of no return and we got a divorce.
I quit going to church and for about two years I think I took that “you only live once” something, You know, I’m just going to do what I want to do and nobody can tell me any different. Only God can judge me type thing. I went way one way with it and I thought I’m just not going to try anymore because it was not going to be good enough.
This amazing pastor's wife came to me and asked me to come to church. I said, “No. I’m not going to do that.” She never let a Sunday or a Wednesday go by that she didn’t call me or text me and say I needed to come. I said, “I can’t.” If I come the church is going to burn up or the walls are going to fall down. He doesn’t want me there. I went and that first Sunday the Lord just opened up His arms to me. The people opened up their arms to me and they loved me. So I began this just in-depth relationship with the Lord. Learning that He was good and that he was good no matter my circumstances. That was my goal. I was like; that’s where I’m going. In the middle of that, He brought this wonderful man into my life that was just wonderful. He was kind, generous, and an expression of the love of God that you couldn’t comprehend if you hadn’t met him. We got married and we had this beautiful life. Together we had four kids and it was wonderful. He got sick so we went to the hospital and he had cancer. So, we said, “We’re going to fight this. We will fight this and the Lord is good” We stayed in church and we stayed faithful to the Lord. I had stood on so much faith I wouldn’t allow them to say “death” in his room. I had posted notes by his door that said don’t say these things, we are believing. He was so young. He was thirty-six I believe. We went through nine months of chemo and radiation, one massive surgery, and multiple little surgeries. Ultimately in the end he went home to be with the Lord.
I had spent so many years working on my faith in the Lord. I spent a lot of years learning to trust that my God was good. Learning to trust that despite what I could physically see that there was something bigger. Somebody bigger. Now the one man who was as good as it gets, just good, was gone. I stood face to face with the reality of, the question; is my God good? Is He good? After my parents not being there and my stepdad being an alcoholic. I felt like my dad had abandoned me because he didn’t take me. All of my life I had all of these bad experiences as a child. Now after I stood up to every doctor at Vanderbilt Hospital, the best hospital in the world, and told them my husband was going home to live, how am I supposed to handle this? How am I supposed to go forward being a widow? How do I believe that you’re good now? At that moment, He wrapped His arms around me and loved me. He told me that His goodness is not dependent on my circumstances. It’s not dependent on what I can see but He does love me. He wants what is good for me and He has plans for me. The promises are that I have life and have life abundantly. That doesn't mean that all of life is here. There is life there too. So I have both.