Find Hope

Something sinister was behind me always cutting myself.

There was a different atmosphere around me. The darkness and the evil was gone. I had love in me for the first time.

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I was so depressed that I felt it necessary to cut myself. I wore long sleeves and big bracelets to hide it. It progressed over the years because I was angry over feeling like I could get nowhere in a relationship with God. I would cut more and deeper into my body. I would sit in the shower and cut myself. If it didn’t hurt bad enough the first time, I would cut myself again in the same spot. It seemed to make me feel better for a short time. For a few seconds, the pain of cutting was greater than the emotional pain in my life.

After years of struggling with an eating disorder, malnutrition caused me to have all my teeth surgically removed. After I got dentures, I didn’t wear them. My life was so dark. I didn’t care anymore. I thought, “If God is not going to help me be good, then I’ll be ugly because it’s easy to be ugly.” I was so angry at God. I began claiming I was part of Satan’s army. Since I didn’t believe God would take care of me, I thought Satan would. I told Satan he could do with me what he wanted. I didn’t care anymore.

My husband said, “Let’s try church together, as a family.” So we attempted the God thing again. The whole time I didn’t want to be there. I thought, “You [God] have done nothing for me. There’s nothing you can do for me. Look what you’ve already done for me.” My husband went forward to the altar for prayer. I felt obligated and thought, “If I don’t go up and pray with him or at least pretend that I’m praying, these people are really going to think I’m bad.” I had no intentions of praying but after only a few seconds at the altar, a mother-son came and placed their hands on me and started praying for me.

I remember throwing my head back, and all these gurgling sounds were coming out of my mouth. I felt a lump of something coming up and out of my throat. I knew when it was gone. I knew when I was released. That was when I realized I had allowed myself to become so bad that I was possessed by a demon. My mother saw the whole thing and was afraid, but she said she knew when I was delivered and could tell I was instantly a different person. There was a different atmosphere around me. The darkness and the evil were gone. I had love in me for the first time. People began saying how bright and shiny I had become. I began to learn that my bond with Satan was why I couldn’t find release with God. I had to first let the evil go. That’s when I made it.

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