Find Hope

Curled up in my closet to escape, but found purpose instead.

"The place that was a dark place to start with became my refuge."

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This is not fair. It’s not fair I’m twenty-three and I just lost my Mom (my best friend) I depended on her for everything. I was driving to work that morning and I said; “God I’m dry and I’m mad at you, I hate you, I can’t believe you would do this to me. All of a sudden I just started pouring the tears. At the same time that I was mad at Him, I was thankful that He was listening to me being honest with Him. I remember in the bedroom one night I just climbed into the closet and I went into the deepest back part of my closet in my bedroom and I just lie down. It had my clothes hanging in there but I just kind of cleared out a spot and I would get in there. I wanted to be a little kid. I wanted to just climb in just a little bitty place for me to curl up in a ball and cry. I said; “God, I’m not coming out of this closet. I don’t want to face the world anymore. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m angry. While I was lying down in that closet curled up in a ball I heard God say; “Get up.”

Now, I had been in church pretty much my whole life, in and out. I had been baptized in the Spirit and I knew who God was but that was the first time I ever heard his audible voice. He spoke so clear to my spirit and He said; “Get up. Get up! I did not build you this way. I did not build you to quit.” And the very first time I heard His audible voice I felt an inner strength come up inside me and I knew then that I was not fighting this battle by myself. He actually had crawled in that closet with me and He was pounding in my spirit to get up. So I picked myself up off of the floor and I began to realize it’s not about me. The selfishness went away. That poor me, that poor pitiful spirit went away. I sat up and I said; “God it’s not about me, is it? I was not built just for me. I’m built for a bigger purpose here.

My Dad, he was on dialysis and I began to take care of him and minister to him. I got to see him rededicate his life to the Lord. Then I knew he was in bad health and I got the call one morning that he had gone on to be with the Lord. And there I am back in my dark place. There I am again back in my closet. I remember, I cleared me out a spot and I crawled back into my closet and I said; “God you’re really tearing me apart here. I’m thirty-four years old and I’ve lost my Mom and my Dad. Just let me die.” I would actually pray that on the way to work. I would say; “God, just let me veer off the road. Just let me hit a tree.”

There again He was sitting in that closet with me. He said; “Get up. Get up! I did not build you this way.” That’s when I really began to realize God had called me into evangelism and that I was going to be that voice for Him and spread the good gospel. I was going to be his feet. I was going to be his hands. I was going to be his mouth and I was going to tell people about Jesus. And I was going to share my story with everybody that needed to know how to get out of that dark place.

The place that was a dark place to start with became my refuge. I would climb in my closet with this blanket and I would write my family members names on it. Years later, I still do this, I would write their names on it and I would cover myself with this prayer shawl and I would go into my closet and I would pray. It became my prayer closet. The place I thought I was hiding from the world, God was connecting me to the world.

Kay - Curled up in my closet to escape, but found purpose instead.

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